Saturday, December 04, 2004

Solitude - I

Madhavan: This is a land where, even if you give money, you wont be able to get luxury. That’s India for you!
Kamal: As long as there are people who think that with money, they can get anything they want, whenever they want, that WILL be India for you.

I woke up with these lines ringing in my head. Was it my subconscious indicating that it wished to see Anbe Sivam again? Anbe Sivam is, without an iota of doubt, the BEST movie ever made…Indian or otherwise.

Now, when I say the “best movie”, I obviously mean the best movie that I have ever seen. Isn’t that what everyone means? Because, nothing can be considered the best until and unless we’ve had a taste of each and every other piece in that field. But saying “best movie I’ve ever seen” lacks the punch of a “best movie ever made”. It sound a tad apologetic. So I shall stick to my original statement.

Well I did fulfill the wish of my subconscious by watching the movie yet again. This was right after my parents left for a 10-day trip.

Solitude..hmm..that old mongel – which is a cross between a monster and an angel – does so many things to you. Luck is always a lady. Envy is always a green monster. But what is solitude? It is asexual, not completely god-like, nor completely monster-like. That is the reason for the usage of mongel, for lack of a better word (or vocabulary).

Bouts of depression interleaved with crests of joy – that seems to be my routine for the past 5-6 hours. Almost through the Dark Tower by Stephen King, and the happenings in the book have definitely a major role to play in my depression. (More on the book in a later post).

Introspection is the hardest task in the world. It is almost akin to trying to find bugs in a computer program that is very dear to you. No matter how you will your mind to find an error, your heart takes over the controls of the dogan (control-room). Your mistakes, weaknesses are like a bar of soap on the wet floor of a bathroom. You see it very clearly, grasp it…but it always manages to slip away. If you actually manage to get the soap into your hands, its definitely not a clean job. You have twisted the bar out of shape and your hands soggy. You drop it in the box, wash your hands, and treat the bar with a bit more care. That is exactly what I do during introspection.
(Whew! Thank god for that…for a moment there I was sure that I would lose track of what I was talking about and instead harp on the other day-to-day ablutions.)

The results of an insincere introspection are pretty easy to guess – “There is nothing wrong with me!! Whatever foibles that the world perceives me to have are just not my department. I leave it to the man upstairs…”

God. What can I say about Him?

Madhavan: “No..I am not like you. I DO have belief in God”
Kamal: “Who said I didn’t?”
M: “Oh..since when did this change of heart happen?”
K: “For quite some time..”
M: “Who is this God?”
K: “You. A person who can shed a true tear of anguish for someone he has never met before..that heart..that is a God for me!”

Another excerpt from Anbe Sivam. The answer is simple – any person who cares truly for another person is a God. Though the movie doesn’t suggest it, I think unconditional is a qualifier that is implied.

Unconditional – doing what you would do normally to a person regardless of what he/she does.

Aja: Why do you put up with coming to pubs? I would never have accepted if I had been in your place. I feel so bored.

This innocent (or was it?) question put forth by Aja at the pub Styx opened a huge can of worms – within my head.
Why DO I go to pubs?
It cant be the music.
I sound like a grumpy old man when I say “Yikes! This is too loud. How on earth can anyone on earth enjoy it?!” But I don’t. Not because it makes me look outdated. Simply because I respect the people who listen to it. I respect their tastes. And the least I can do is to keep my mouth shut.
Five years ago I would have kept my mouth shut. But time has taught me to unleash a few wisecracks. Otherwise, all I would be doing in the pub is giving my best imitation of a flower-pot (one that sips quietly on its mocktail).

It cant be the drinks.
I do not drink alcohol. Why? No idea. Or rather I have a very abstract idea. It is definitely NOT because drinking is harmful. I know that I have my share of unhygienic habits.
It is not out of any kind of fear of my parents finding out (in fact, I tell them that I do drink, and smoke..). As I told Aja that day, it is simply a matter of principles. What do I plan on doing with these principles? That’s a toughie; maybe on the day of judgement I can throw these at God and try to get away. :)

It cant be the crowd (there is just enough light to see your nose, and that is pretty much the boundary of visibility).

Insecurity is a thought that definitely popped into my head. Not because that is the actual truth. But simply because it is one of the possible logical answers. Insecurity of not being in a gang. Not able to be together with friends. Well, all this could be the reasons for some guy. But not me!

The actual truth is that I do not want to be the cause of my friends NOT being able to have fun. Simple. Well – that is one question out of the way. :)

When I began this post, I definitely did not think that it would sustain itself for so long. But I seem to have reached a stage where I need to split my Solitude into multiple parts.
And here ends the First.


At 1:41 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

"The actual truth is that I do not want to be the cause of my friends NOT being able to have fun. Simple. Well – that is one question out of the way. :)"

Dude.. these were the same words that I told ajith when we had an argument about going to the dance club. The point is being with friends. Bar or club comes secondary.

Loved your post! both I and II.


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